Andre
by AddictedToTheWrittenWord
Summary: Michonne tells Rick about the biggest loss of her life
Michonne's necklace was the last mother's day gift she'd gotten from Andre and the first one he picked out all by himself.

"The M is for momma and Michonne!" He had shouted happily when he'd given it to her along with breakfast in bed that Mike had cooked for her. She had turned into the "Kissy Monster" and kissed her son all over making him squeal and giggle. Playing kissy monster was one of Andre's favorite games. It was Michonne's favorite game too. Andre was three, an age where he still wanted to spend every moment with his momma, but she knew faster than she could even think there'd come a time when spending time with her was the last thing he wanted to do. That time never came.

"I love you momma." He said."

"I love you too." Michonne said back.

"A gold necklace from our golden boy." Mike said as he had placed the necklace around her neck. He always called Andre their golden boy. Michonne had loved how Mike had loved Andre, because her son had been the center of her universe, and it haunted her down to this day that when it counted most, Andre hadn't been the center of Mike's.

Michonne wasn't sure where she lost the necklace. She only realized that it was gone when she stepped out of the shower in the morning and looked at her reflection in the steamed up mirror. She rushed downstairs into the living room, the last place she'd been before she stepped into the shower, still wrapped in her towel and turned over every single piece of furniture looking for it, but she still couldn't find it. The unsettling feeling that she may never find it was starting to sink in. She looked at herself in the hallway mirror, and thought her chest looked naked without the necklace. It was the her only link to her son.

"Michonne, what's going on?" Rick asked. To him the living room must have looked like it exploded. It must have looked like they were under attack. Michonne thought. "What's wrong? Are Carl and Judith all right?"

Of course he would ask about his children right away. How protective he was of his children was one of the first things she noticed about Rick, but still she'd never been able to tell him that she was a mother and he had never even once guessed. She held that part of her so close to her vest so that no one, not even the man she was sharing a bed with would know.

"They're fine." She said. Her voice gave a slight shake and Rick picked up on it in a heartbeat.

"What's wrong?" He asked again. She wouldn't be able to dissuade him from finding out r.

"I lost my necklace, it was the only thing of him I had left. Now it's gone." She whispered brokenly.

"What?"

She was falling through space at a thousand miles per hour. Nothing could break her fall. Not even Rick.

"The necklace I wore was a mother's day gift from my son."

"You had a son?" Rick asked.

"His name was Andre." Telling Rick that she had a son was like jumping into ice cold water, at first it feels like the shock might kill you, but then your body goes numb.

His voice sounded small and lost to Michonne. He didn't sound like himself at all.

"He was three years old."

"I don't know what to say." Rick admitted. "I can't believe I never figured it out for myself. I should have known. you're so good with Carl and Judith, I should have known."

"I didn't want you to know. It's not easy to talk about. I'm still healing from his death, and from how it happened." The floor had become quicksand and she was sinking through and landing right in that moment. "I wasn't there when it happened, but his father was and he didn't protect him."

"I'm so sorry Michonne."

Michonne did not say that she needed to talk, but Rick of course knew that she needed to talk. They had the house to themselves and Rick guided Michonne to their bedroom. It was a smart move, Away from all the chaotic mess that she created in the living room she felt more peace of mind to speak.

"As soon as I got back to our camp I knew something was wrong. The fence surrounding what Mike jokingly referred to as our refugee camp was wide open. Mike always made sure to close and lock the fence. He would always tell his best friend Terry if he ever forgot to lock the fence it would get him permanently banished."

It was getting harder for her to speak. She could feel her unshed tears making her throat constrict painfully. Every word she spoke felt as if it was being ripped from the core of her soul. Perhaps that's why she was having so much trouble speaking, it was a defense mechanism. Her body was trying to save her from being shattered into a million diffrent pieces.

"The irony is that Mike had always hated drugs and drug users before the apocalypse, he didn't take aspirin until he absolutely needed to. So my heart just can't understand why on that day of all days that Mike chose to do heroin. Why did he choose to give up, on himself, on me, on Andre?"

Michonne was sitting in a chair and Rick was sitting on the edge of the bed facing her. He took her hands in his and squeezed them lightly. He didn't say anything, but he didn't need too. His strength was often in his silence. When he looked at her his face was filled with so much concern, and regret that he could not make things better for her. He reached up to softly caress her cheek, and the dam holding back her tears burst.

"My legs were like wet noodles as I forced myself to walk back to our tent." She said in between her tears. "With every step I prayed, and I said one final prayer before I stepped into the tent. I saw him. I saw Andre and I thought he was alive! From behind I couldn't tell that he'd been bitten. Then I called his name and I ran to him. I was ready to pick him up into my arms and hug him. I called his name again, but he didn't turn around and that's when I knew."

Rick pulled Michonne up onto the bed next to him, and she buried her head into his chest and let the tears flow. Her sobs filled up the silence of the house. Her tears felt like they were falling directly from her heart. They shook her whole body and it seemed as if the tears would never stop, but there was something therapeutic in their endlessness. It was like she was washing away some of the toxic thoughts that wouldn't allow her to move on.

"Something inside me broke and I just started to scream. I screamed until I screamed myself hoarse." She shuddered as if she'd just taken a shot of whiskey. "Nothing could have prepared me for seeing him that way. Nothing can prepare any parent for having to see their child that way. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. For nine months I carried him inside of me, and in one moment it was all undone."

"I know you weren't ready to tell me before now, but I wish I knew. I wish you didn't carry this by yourself for so long."

"I didn't. I told Carl when we were out on a run."

Rick stared at her for a moment and then nodded. "I thought you were amazing before for bringing that baby formula here, but now I understand. I understand what you really did for me. You didn't even know me, but you didn't want me to go through the pain of losing a child if you could help it."

"You are so different than Mike. Everything you do you do with your children in mind. Mike was so stoned he couldn't even get up. I yelled at him with what little voice I had left, but it was like he didn't even know I was there. I didn't get an explanation, I didn't get an apology, I didn't get to say goodbye. I hated Mike for that. I hated him so much that I wanted to kill him, but he was already dying, he'd been bitten, so I let him turn instead. I let my lover and his best friend turn into monsters, because that's what they were to me, monsters."

If you had been there, Michonne swallowed, if you had been there, Andre would still be here."

Rick's Adam's apple bobbed up and down and his jaw worked back and forth. He was about to cry, this Michonne knew. His eyes were going glassy and his face crumpled up like a ball of paper. She pressed her forehead to his and the two of them cried together. Though he was blinded by the haze of his tears Rick still reached out and took her hand.

"I'll find the necklace." Rick promised her.

"It could be anywhere." Michonne said.

"Then I'll just have to look everywhere for it. It's not like I don't have the time, and Carl can help." Rick told her. He bent down and kissed her softly on the lips.

Michonne just nodded. Nothing she said would deter him.

Rick pulled off Michonne's shoes and socks. He rolled up her socks and placed them in her shoes, and then placed the shoes at the end of their bed. Then he pulled back the sheets and Michonne slid under them. Reliving the worst day of her life had taken a lot out of her. As she closed her eyes she thought of every happy memory she could of Andre.

The first time he'd seen the ocean he called it a big outside tub. At dinner time she would let him bang on pots and pans, and she and Mike had been impressed with how much rhythm he had, and they would argue which one of them he'd gotten his musical ability from. Andre was the happiest baby, he never fussed much and always, always, always smiled. There wasn't a person in the world who could resist his smile.

Mike used to tell her that Andre had her smile.

"His smile is so bright because he sees you smiling all the time. That smile is a thousand watts, babe."

They had been so in love. The perfect family, so why had he done it? Towards the end she could feel Mike giving up. She pleaded with him not to, for Andre's sake, but the lure of escaping a world where every day only brought more suffering, pain, and misery had been too great. Mike wanted to be free of everything, including them. She would never be free. She still felt phantom pains of holding Andre in her arms. Sometimes she would feel the weight of his body in her arms. Her hands that had cupped the back of Andre's head so lovingly so many times still remembered the soft feel of his curls. Nothing could take away her memories, but the necklace had been tangible. The oils from Andre's skin had imprinted his thumbprint on the necklace permanently, and it was like proof of his existence.

Her mind was was to accept that she would never see the necklace again, but her heart still held out hope.

Sweat rolled down Rick's back. After checking every single room in the house and not finding Michonne's necklace he and Carl started to search outside. Working hard gave his mind time to come to terms with what Michonne had told him. He felt awful that he did not know about Michonne being a mother. Part of him felt like he didn't know her at all, because if he did how could he not know that? Now all the signs seemed crystal clear. The way she could soothe Judith back to sleep after a nightmare. Or how she could tell when Carl was lying about how he was really feeling.

"Ooh, I see something shiny!" Carl cried out. "Never mind it's just a soda can tab."

"Keep looking." Rick called back. He didn't care what it took. He was going to find that necklace for Michonne. He hated to see her sad, hated to see her suffer another loss when she had already lost so much. He couldn't do a thing to erase the pain that she had already suffered, but he could ease the pain in her life now.

After hours of searching Rick found Michonne's necklace tangled in a bush. He took his time unwrapping it from the branches so that he wouldn't break the clasp. Once it was free he held it up for inspection. There was a tiny thumbprint on the necklace. It had to be Andre's thumbprint. No wonder Michonne wanted the necklace back so badly. He wondered what Andre looked like. Did he have Michonne's eyes? If he were alive now he and Carl would have been like brothers. Rick already knew that if Michonne's son had lived that he would have loved him as much as Michonne loved Carl and Judith.

"I got it Carl." Rick called out and waved to his son.

Carl jogged over and Rick held up the necklace.

"You found it, cool, Michonne is going to be so happy."

Rick put the necklace in his pocket. "I'm happy too, happy that when Michonne needed someone to talk to about her son you were there." He told Carl. "You're growing up to be a wonderful person."

"I wish I could have met him." Carl said.

"Me too Rick said. Me too."

Upstairs Rick could hear singing. It was Michonne singing. Judith had woken up and Michonne was singing Five little ducks to her. He could hear Judith trying to sing along in her tiny little voice. He climbed the stairs slowly and softly so as not to interrupt them. He paused out side of their bedroom to watch Michonne and Judith together. They were standing by the window looking at a couple of squirrels chasing each other while they sang. Michonne rocked Judith slowy back and forth in her arms and his daughter pressed her cheek against Michonne's.

Rick stepped into the room and the two women in his life turned around to look at him.

"Daddy!" Judith cried. She reached out for him and Rick picked her up.

Michonne felt his forehead. "You're hot. You should drink some water."

She didn't even ask him if he had found the necklace, she didn't want the heartbreak if the answer was no.

Rick pulled the necklace out of his pocket. "I'll go get some water, but first I wanted to give you this."

"Where did you find it?" She gasped.

"Outside in the bushes."

"Thank you." She said and kissed him.

"I promised you I would find it, and I'll always keep my promises to you." He put the necklace around her neck and closed the clasp.

Michonne went over to the mirror and looked at herself. She reached up to touch Andre's thumbprint. She closed her eyes and she could see Andre smiling up at her. When she opened them she saw Rick looking at her. She smiled at him slowly and he smiled back. It was such a beautiful smile from such a beautiful man, and if they ever had another son she hoped that he turned out to be just like his father.


End file.
